I have a bad habit of filling tiny snippets of free time with roll tables over on Twitter. It’s a little pressure valve I use to fit creativity and nerd hobbies into my silly work schedule. It probably pollutes peoples’ feeds with a half-dozen tweets in a row about made-up nonsense and for that I apologize, but I hope somebody gets some inspiration or use from them.
Luckily, over here on the blog, I am reasonably sure visitors come in flat-out expecting roll tables, meaning that I can collect, expand, and write tables with impunity. This is my second installment of collected tables; you can find the first over here or you can read on below for the new stuff!
1d4 Reasons the Trolls are Raiding The Idyllic Village of Pigmuck Again
- Their volcano lair is currently on fire & rather uninhabitable because of a minor disagreement between their chief shaman & the flaming goddess Pele, whose passions can be dangerous. Of course, that volcano is close enough to pose a problem if the relationship isnt restored…
- The people of Pigmuck have been breeding especially delicious pigs lately. So good, in fact, several lesser blood feuds and a raucous civil war have rocked the troll settlement over the last strips of bacon. Their only hope for peace is more purloined piggies.
- Origami fever is sweeping the troll nation ever since the smartest troll on the mountain, Makwuk, figured out that paper can be folded. Well, she found out that PEOPLE can be folded, but the realization about paper followed close behind. Now the trolls need more paper!
- It’s very simple: they were paid to. By Ariakk, the spider prince, who was blackmailed by Red Weft, wizard of the west. He had to, to fulfill a pact w/ Yrduk the Demon King; Yrduk only signed that pact in a dream b/c he owed a favor to Vasili, the town barber, who hates pigs.
1d4 Spells the Wizard Cast While the Bard was On Vacation
- Flesh to Music – Target saves vs spell or has a targeted limb disassembled into an otherworldly symphony of notes so complex and broad that it causes composers and musicians within earshot to weep uncontrollably.
- Inspire Currants – Local berry-having flora become massive, knotted, overgrown tangles of obedient plant matter hell-bent on constricting and strangling on behalf of the caster for 1d8 rounds. Wizards are no longer permitted to get drunk on currantwine and make bard puns.
- Locate Rhythm – The caster can isolate and locate a specific being, living or otherwise, by the rhythm of their speech, heartbeat, or breathing for up to 1d4 minutes so long as, at the time of casting, the being is doing any of those activities.
- Sing With Animals – “‘Speak with’? I’ll do that bard one better!” The caster can compel animals with HD =< spellcaster level to communicate in song. Animals are not terrific songwriters, though, and most cannot carry a tune. However, they try. My god, they try.
1d6 Hotpot Dishes Served By Elves
- Fattywort Boreal Fungus – Beige, with golden scalloped edges. Stewed with subtle pepperleaves, it takes on a delicate, soft, luxuriant texture akin to duck fat. It readily takes on flavors, but tastes faintly of anise on its own.
- Braised Giant Squirrel & Redhat Mushrooms – The mushrooms must be boiled until all trace of red has left and the flesh is the color of bone to remove the poisonous effects. They add a smooth contrast to the tough, salted squirrel meat.
- Hotpot Pepper Soup – Made with tubers and root veggies grown between the toe-like roots of treants, this dish is known among travelers as Elvish Death Soup because of the heat of the ent piquins. The woody vegetables are made palatable to the elven tongue by the peppers.
- Simmered Dragonscale Cabbage – Tough, spiny dragonscale cabbage is tamed with blanching and hours of slow stewing before being finished in the garlic-infused oils of the hotpot at the table where elders host guests. It’s an iconic elvish dish: patience, rarity, spice.
- Bearded Lake Carp – The tender belly of the Bearded Lake Carp is protected by its prehensile tentacle beard and contains the most delectable cuts of the fish. Expert bowfishers aim for the spine of the fish to protect these parts, which are cooked with chives.
- Drunk Roc with Ginger – The lesser rocs of the forest live up to their namesake in fierceness if not in size – the diminutive birds are barely larger than pigeons. Their gamy meat is aged in casks of fortified applewine before being cooked with ginger, peppers, and citrus.
1d4 Reasons The Lizard’s Belly Is Blue
- The Iguana Prince decreed that all lizards shall be blue in memorial to his deceased wife, the Duchess of Chamelea. Because of this, it has become fashionable for lizards to paint themselves brighter & bluer.
- The Horrorbird Who Blacks Out The Sun has swooped down on too many lizards. One survivor believes it can’t see blue. Using their ability to mimic colors, the lizards have been patterning themselves after blue foliage found in the shady Underforest.
- Lizards have encountered a delicious, addictive new species of mayfly and cant help but gorge upon them like gluttonous aristocrats this spawning season. Too caught up in gorgeous hallucinations from eating tasty bugs, the lizards dont even notice their bellies turning blue!
- The lizards are experimenting with magical tattoos for their warrior class, girding them with beautiful, intricate blue scales in patterns so fine, only tiny creatures with impeccable vision can discern their delightful design. These so-called Bluescales are powerful defenders!
- Arthanil the Cur – Bastard son of a courtesan and a noble, Arthanil grew hard in the slums of Great Sortheron where the underclass dwells in servitude to the Magicians. His half-royal lineage gave him tastes of the bittersweet fruit of sorcery and now he seeks ever more magic in the catacombs and ruins of the old world. He needs spells and will make desperate deals to get his hands on them, but will also double-cross anyone he thinks will let him get away with it. He carries 1d100 gold pieces, 1d100 silver pieces, 1d4 spell scrolls, a cold iron dagger, and a worn sword haphazardly silvered by an amateur.
- Voloca Estillien – Mercantile tycoon whose dealings in distant lands have soured her on the refined, sterile elvish court life she is privy to in her homeland. She seeks new adventure and experience in far-off lands, and will spare no expense to open new trade routes and find new resources. She is afraid her responsibilities back home will eventually catch up with her, and tries to remain hard to find by moving around a lot. She owes several malevolent otherworldly entities a few debts for giving her insight into new lands, new routes, new materials from which she has profited. She carries 1d10 valuable gems, 1d100 gold pieces, 1d100 silver pieces, and a stiletto made of fine elvensteel (weighs nothing, conceals exceptionally well, ignores leather and fabric armor bonuses) decorated with a floral engraving of lilies.
- Rel of the Mist – A sorceress of some renown, whose best years are behind her. She fears the twilight of her extremely long life. She has begun to seek the secrets of lichdom but disguises her motives and covers her trail carefully. She offers help to adventurers, princes, paupers – for a price; some element or agent necessary for her phylactery or the rituals she must soon undertake. She can offer impressive boons for the rare things she requires, but will slay anyone who catches wind of what she is doing. Her forest home contains 1d4 spellbooks, 1d4 spell scrolls, many magical traps, and 4d1000 gold pieces worth of uncommon and rare magical reagents.
- Arlagast, the Firstborn – Heir to a minor fae kingdom which penetrates the veil between worlds in the heart of a forest that now borders an expanding human settlement. She worries about what will happen the the humans discover their secret elvish groves and peer into the Grey Beyond, which will undoubtedly happen in her long lifetime and probably during her rule – as her parents have begun to retreat further and further into the Grey as they age due to the toxicity of the Real. She hopes for a diplomatic solution, but girds her retinue for war. She carries no treasure but her enchanted tiara, which grants the wearer a glamor of potent beauty and grace and purifies single servings of food and water on command three times per day.
1d4 Treasure Hoards
- A sizable cache stowed in an oak locker the size of a mattress. Bands of iron cross it in all directions, fastened with stout nails. Contains 2600 gold pieces, 4440 silver pieces, a sack of 66 rough semiprecious stones worth 20 gold pieces each, and a dozen rolled-up paintings and tapestries looted from eastern tombs which are valued at 1500 gold pieces each to a suitable collector or a fraction of that to an ignorant buyer.
- The contents of this hoard are fastened tight within an iron cauldron inside of an impressive porcelain urn. The great jar is at least six feet tall, pale bone white, with fantastical blue and pink glaze artwork all over depicting two armies marching to each others’ castles and laying siege in a circle that wraps around the entire urn. The urn must be broken to get at the iron cauldron within, which jingles and rattles when the urn is shaken or shifted. It contains a dozen pieces of velvet-wrapped exquisite jewelry worth 2500 gold pieces each, two sacks containing small bars worth a total of 1000 gold pieces per sack, and a huge chest-spanning medallion of office emblazoned with a regal lion rampant over fields of rice and rivers.
- A cask as large as some rooms, half-filled with red wine so old it has become cloudy brown vinegar. Though the vinegar would make an interesting cooking ingredient, the real value lay at the bottom of the cask in a sealed glass jug visible for its shine through the tap hole of the cask. Moving the cask creates an audible indication something is rolling around inside, too. The glass jug contains 40 doses of an expired elven drug, 2100 gold pieces, 500 silver pieces, and a set of iron keys.
- Behind a piece of furniture is a false stone in the wall which can be moved out of place to reveal a hollow within. Stored here are 4 scrolls of lightning bolt, 100 gold pieces, a longsword enchanted to glow blue in the presence of chaos magics, and a buckler in the shape of a dragon’s wing.
- Baffin Soom – Strange, aloof personality. Greying hair, scarred temple. War veteran of a distant campaign – very distant. Speaks of other worlds as if they are tangible places instead of flights of fancy.
- Horgal von Schteppenheim – Son of an exiled noble. Very happy in his station. Definitely doesn’t resent the tyrant king who betrayed his family at all. Has never fomented rebellion.
- Sorla the Sweet – Kindest daughter of Rudolph, who founded the tavern and passed it to her. Beloved by the whole town and its surrounds.
- Jurgen Irontoe – Has a steel prosthetic leg of his own design. Hates goblins; pays mercenaries handsomely any time word comes round of goblin raiders.
- Westin Mulberry – In love with a vampire who has preyed upon cattle and townsfolk for decades in secrecy.
- Pip – Stout-hearted hobbit whose adventures are recounted again and again to the delight of drunken patrons and new travelers alike. Most of them are made up, but some of them are true, and he means no harm with his exaggerations.
- Kladof the Bear- Rugged, towering man from the mountains who came to the town for work and wound up staying to raise the son he fathered with a milkmaid. Has an inviting demeanor and is quick with a hug.
- Rosie Half-Elven – A sharp-tongued outsider who moved to town a decade ago. Has a secret past as an assassin in the employ of her father’s criminal enterprise.
- Osto Easterman – A refugee with a placid, warm way about him. Formerly a priest, he left his sect when he left his country behind. He shares wisdom with those who ask, but much of it is indecipherable tautology that relies on decades of lessons to comprehend.
- Ilya Rusentsev – Escaped prisoner from the icy slave camps of the northwest. Trades in gossip readily in the hopes of hearing about slavers on the move – she leads volunteers on search and destroy missions when she does.
Hopefully these inspire you, help fill in worldbuilding blanks, start a new chain of derailing quests for PC parties that ask too many questions about tiny details, or help out when you need random results the most!
You can get at me here, in the comments below, or over on Twitter @DungeonsPossums if you want to tell me you got use out of these or complain that these tables don’t have enough gnomes. Thanks for reading!
These are great fun, Possie! Keep em coming!
Also -BAH TO GNOMES! Stupid little beardless dwarf hobbit wannabes! They should stick to baking cookies in their trees.