Everybody knows the wizard is the smartest, most educated person around. Shrewd when it comes to complex, enigmatic puzzles. Overflowing with the sagacious genius of a thousand tomes. Astute and sharp-witted even under the judgmental gaze of the most intriguing of courtly consorts. Everybody knows that.
1. Persimmon’s Sixth Sense – 1st Level
This spell tells a wizard how an item tastes – any item at all – without the wizard actually needing to put the object in his stupid fucking mouth. This seems useless to the outsider, but the Extremely Stupid Wizard can learn a lot from the flavor of items man was not meant to taste. Routinely, cursed items will taste like a spoonful of coins and milk, or batteries, or the last bit of day-old beer, or like a dentist’s tools. Beneficial objects usually taste like things like fresh milk and coins, or 9v batteries, or the first bit of day-old beer, or like dental tools before they’ve been in someone else’s mouth. It’s a very subtle system, but it keeps the Extremely Stupid Wizard alive.
2. Solution – 2nd Level
This spell instantly mixes reagents from a distance of 10′ x caster level, keeping the Extremely Stupid Wizard safely behind a stone wall somewhere safe. Rumored to have been devised by Ampeltorp the Amputated, this spell will poor and stir reagents together provided they are laid out simply and without lids, corks, or stoppers of any kind; the spectral force doing the work is actually the easily-frustrated spirit of She Who Mixes, and She has very little willingness to work around complications. She pours A into B and sometimes dumps that out onto a little C, but She isn’t here to do fine motor skills like open flasks or measure amounts. While the spell is active, the invisible spirit whispers constantly, which some say is a disclaimer of liability spoken in a tongue used on the planes of the damned; this can be heard by all those within earshot, but understood only by those with some form of ability or spell which allows them to speak with extraplanar spirits.
3. Marmotfeathers – 2nd Level
This spell prevents a wizard from plunging to her well-deserved death anytime she steps onto a blatant pit trap thinking that this one must be a fake-out. As long as this spell is prepared ahead of time, when the wizard will otherwise fall more than ten feet, this spell takes effect involuntarily, consuming itself and up to two other spell slots (highest level available!) automatically. While everyone knows marmots do not have feathers, Extremely Stupid Wizards are not up to speed on the latest trends of the observational sciences and maintain amongst themselves that marmots are actually a very fat sort of bird. Their certainty in marmots’ birddom is akin to a priest’s faith, and enables their magical weave to warp and weft them to a slow, safe landing in a pile of rapidly dissipating marmot feathers.
4. Fortune Favors the Bold – 3rd Level
5. Dapper Guile – 3rd Level
This spell makes a wizard’s appearance match his self-image. Unfortunately, subtlety is not in the toolkit of the Extremely Stupid Wizard, and so this illusion makes a wizard look sort of like an emperor designed by Dr. Seuss and Rube Goldberg. While the costume is extremely impressive, it is blatantly magical and false, and conveys no reaction bonus if the target audience has greater than 7 INT. However, to other idiots, it is so convincing as to behave as a Charm Person spell. Naturally, it is only effective on creatures with enough sapience to be interested in a hat festooned with tink-tonklers and jing-janglers along the ribbons and cords stretching down to the extra special super regal electrophonic superalchemical hydromagnificent epaulets in the first place. The illusion lasts ten minutes per caster level, or until dispelled.
6. Lost and Found – 2nd Level
7. Giant Mussels – 3rd Level
8. Humbert’s Power of Tongues – 2nd Level
9. Candelabra – 1st Level
This spell illuminates an area around the wizard for 10 minutes per caster level, as long as the wizard holds her arms raised to her sides, hands empty, as if she were a human candelabra. Should the Extremely Stupid Wizard cease this charade, the light is extinguished immediately, regardless of how long the spell would otherwise remain active. The illuminated area is equal to 10ft x caster level, but it can be reduced by the wizard, who can dim the light cast by the spell at will. While casting the light, the wizard is especially susceptible to fire, mostly because she believes she’s elementally aligned with the “plane of wax” and will take double damage from fiery attacks and hazards.
10. Kunga the Magnificent’s Heroism – 2nd Level
This spell enables a wizard to rise to the occasion and deal double damage on successful hits with any weapon he has for 1d4 consecutive turns, as long as he remains in immediate melee range – toe to toe with her enemies. If the wizard leaves melee range while this spell is active, he loses the benefit, and for the next combat round all attacks against him do double damage. This spell was devised by Kunga the Magnificent, shortly before she was beheaded unceremoniously after charging in to hand-to-hand combat with an orc warlord; her last words were emblematic of the Extremely Stupid Wizards of the world: “I have a great idea.”
If you end up using these spells for your own Extremely Stupid Wizard, or if you have a good story about an Extremely Stupid Wizard in your games, I am down to hear about it! Hit me up at @dungeonspossums on Twitter or let me know in the comments. Until then, please do not leave Extremely Stupid Wizards unsupervised near fire or pointy objects.